As children, we look to caregivers for attention, support, and love, as well as for basic physical needs like being fed, cleansed, and having a warm bed. In order to secure these feelings of safety, we adopt behavioral patterns that foster these emotional bonds, which unconsciously play a role as adults in how we bond with those around us. How our caregivers responded to our needs, esp. in moments of distress, taught us what to expect in relationships. Was there desire and yearning without satisfaction? Lack of a supportive relationship in infancy can negatively impact social and emotional development. Many times, when we feel and act from the anxiety of separation, in order to restore what we believe to be a lost connection with someone we love, we are trying to restore something lost in childhood: we attract and fall in love with people who are similar to the parts of our caretakers we had most difficulty with. Our minds do this to repair and recover the original ruptured connection. This is why it’s so important to have safety in order to repair the connection. When you feel safe, you will not be anxious or trigger defensive mechanisms that separate you from that significant other, instead of bringing you closer to speak, listen, and heal. Safety can be created in conversation with those you love, when you take these steps into consideration: 📌 Mirroring: “let me see if I understood correctly, you said…” 📌 Validation: “that makes sense to me” 📌 Empathy: “I believe you might be feeling…” If you could focus on one thing throughout this whole new year, I hope you focus on your relationships. Because whatever you deprive others of, you are depriving yourself of. It’s a never-ending cycle. The more you can look at your-Self through the eyes of love for what you’ve been through and who you’ve become, the more you will be able to repair and recover the connection with those around you. Here’s to a 2022 filled with connections without fear, seeing your-Self and others through unconditional love, and experiencing the joy of being alive 🥂🍾✨
~ L.